Deep Thoughts

Our blog title was inspired by "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" and "Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley" from SNL. While Andy will be posting daily lessons-learned, I will only be posting significant (or interesting, random, silly) thoughts and observations. Here are some of my favorite Jack Handey quotes:

• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
• Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
• It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
• Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.